Ever have those days where you feel like stuffing yourself with cheese & jalapeno flavored crisps? Then ordering some spicy rich takeaway food and eating till your already straining pants remind you that your stomach does have limits? You tell yourself, this is it. This is the last time I do this. This is disgusting. I’m disgusting. Tomorrow I’ll run and feel good again. I used to be so good at control.
Where did it all go wrong? International moves, loss of a loved one, total fall out with family. A re-occurring theme in life of complete and utter lack of accountability for actions and behavior.
Tomorrow comes and you wake up wishing sleep would swallow you whole so no one can see you on the outside.
But tomorrow always comes. And sleep is a tease currently making a point of evading you in the wee hours then kicking in full throttle about thirty minutes before you need to get up. And you do need to get up. People rely on you getting up. When you don’t get up it’s weird. Nobody knows where anything is, nobody else slept well enough to cope with the morning routine.
The dog doesn’t listen to anyone else. He just looks for you, he’s a naughty puppy.
Don’t talk about politics it’s annoying. You’ll get pulled down a rabbit hole of trolls and unpopular opinions and annoying…politicians and people you do NOT agree with. Polarize. Divide and Conquer. Nothing is right. Nothing works. There’s an impending apocalypse, use less plastic we’re all going to die try yoga. Where’s the fucking wine?
I drink. I stress/compulsive eat (duh…did you not read that first bit?) and I make half assed attempts to exercise on a reasonably frequent basis. I’m on my feet a lot and when I’m not moving around like an idiot I’m very busy over thinking at least three manuscripts I’ve had on the go for far too long.
Through all of that I’m not all that horrible looking. Nor am I particularly stupid. My husband is still attracted to me, my mother once told me I’m pretty but not beautiful and my Dad congratulated me on keeping my weight down whilst pregnant. I’m kind of vain. I worry I value my looks over my intelligence. I think my kids are smarter than me. Also…apparently I would have made an excellent flight attendant or kindergarden teacher. I shouldn’t judge myself based on what others think. But I do. When’s lunch? Do I really have to make it? Spoiled, western twat. I know…I know. It’s not all about me. We’re so insulated these days. So withdrawn. It’s all about us. Me me me me.
I want to help the world with a book. I want to entertain people. I want people to notice me. I fancy having a crack at erotica. I’m avoiding a paranormal romance I’m co-authoring with a buddy (who I’ve never met…such is life these days) by blogging stream of consciousness nonsense. I’m reading The Little Demons Inside. Micah Chaim Thomas is much smarter than me. I feel sorry for Henry and am really hoping he and Cassie get together but there’s all this conspiracy greed ruled secret evil magic stuff happening. I finished Demon Tamer, it was only short and F.T. McKinstry is a bit of a bad ass when it comes to channeling the Otherworld. Being put to sleep and protected by a dark elf…deals with sea witches in freaky coastal caves. These are books I should really get hard copies of. So pretty. BTW F.T. if you’re reading this I will add my review on Goodreads and Amazon.
I get instant gratification from tweeting. Jeez if fades fast though. Gimme those likes kids and I’ll return the favor. Not like it’s a favor when I like or retweet I genuinely do it ‘cause I actually liked it or wanted to share. It’s not contrived or with an agenda. I’m not that clever. I despise pretentiousness. I don’t get people who live for their social media portrayal of their lives. I don’t post my life. I just post desperate attempts to impress people *sheepish look*.
I realize while I type this there are horrible horrible things happening in the world and here I am, listening to haunt themed music compilations on Youtube, avoiding my manuscripts…thinking about my weight. But look at my fingers go…tap tap tap.
It’s mental health awareness day. I’m actually okay. Apart from stuffing my face and then hating myself and working hard not to drink way too much wine during the week. I get that that’s not good. I’m getting too old for that shit.
And cookies and advertisements on Instagram I know are directed at me. Shape control wear (which I don’t use by the way) Weight loss apps (which I also don’t use) Witch stuff (I like the pretty stones and skulls and alternative pagan spirituality…even if I rarely meditate or do spells. I do light incense and chant stuff). Inner peace and books. Like I said…incense and I read and write.
You’re watching me. Hi. I hope you’re okay? I don’t go for all that life’s a bitch and then you die sort of thing. Life is hard. It’s harder for others. People can be cruel, selfish entirely motivated by their specific agendas. Screw the poor, it’s their fault sort of stuff. Screw the rich, they are all inherently evil. Control everyone in between. Fucking plebs. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get a grip. Pretend to be ill to get out of work cause it’s boring then hate on immigrants. There are good and bad people from all walks of life. Tolerate being desperately underprivileged cause your history is inconvenient. Tell her she’s pretty…not everyone looks like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Make him feel better, not everyone has abs…jeez. Not everyone feels like a he or a her. However you feel, just don’t be a patronizing twat. That’s a sin. Bigotry is okay in some situations but not in others. Wait, what? The Bible says this tho. You’re an asshole. Opinions are like assholes….
Everyone’s got one. Everyone can be one. But not everyone IS one.
Like I said…where’s the fucking wine? Just kidding. I’m really trying to lay off during the week. I’m kidding. There are people much more qualified to give advice for mental health awareness day.
But know this. It actually is okay not to be okay. It’s never okay to be an asshole. And watch out for cookies and trolls and stuff. Eat a real cookie. Go buy one of those troll dolls from the eighties. That won’t solve anything but it’s amusing and symbolic.
It’s going to be Halloween soon. That makes me happy. I need to go now. I really, really do hope you are all okay.
And if you’re not…know this: Pizza express has a vegan menu. I’m not vegan…I just thought you’d want to know…I’d struggle to be vegan I fucking love cheese. Pizza express is a chain restaurant prevalent in the UK town centers btw. Great dough balls. Not crazy expensive…not cheap either. Very family friendly but there is wine (tho not in the overseas UAE branches). I still miss the pizza and Italian food in my native Midwest (though I’m not native…I did one of those DNA test thingys just like a proper privileged person and I found out…wait for it….I am descended from a lot of white assholes). Not dishonoring all of my ancestors some of them were alright actually….though some really weren’t. I’ll do a different post on that at another time. Spoiler alert: I’m like 21% Irish. I’m not Italian but JEEZ I love their food. I got one great grandpa….he actually admitted to being a bookie on a US Census. That’s what he admitted.
You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But apple cider vinegar helps with fungus apparently as does tea tree oil. Though you must dilute with water and oil respectively.
You know what? Even if no one reads this…I feel a little less like stuffing my face with jalapeno flavored pretzels. A little. I’ll wait for lunch. I can’t go pig out anyway there’s people at the house today and I’ll get caught. Dammit.
See you guys later….